Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
