apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
