Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Randomize
