My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
