Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
