What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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