I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
