So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
