Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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