when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
