my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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