I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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