I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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