i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
