By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
