mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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