I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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