You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
