My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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