I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize