Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
