I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
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