There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
