The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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