please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Found the puke drawer
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
