Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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