God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
