The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Randomize