My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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