i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
