he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
