A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm getting married
To pizza
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
