Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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