I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
