I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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