I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
