My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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