My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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