Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Hippo gnu deer
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
