So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
you had me at cake vodka
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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