There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
not ubering you a puppy
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
