new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
