Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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