The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
