reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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