If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
you had me at cake vodka
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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