just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
