who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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