Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
