2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
