if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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