I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
