Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
