yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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