I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize