We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My liver just broke up with me...
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
