Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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