Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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