this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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