I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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