I wish I only lived at night.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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