We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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