The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize